This post is going to be unlike the other posts I have shared. It’s the hardest I have written to date. Many of you will read this trying to relate. The truth is, only those part of the “club” will fully understand. I am not here trying to exclude anyone. It’s just this club, it’s the type of club you never want to be a part of. I hope you never join it. Sooner or later you will. I will be the first to say, I’m so incredibly sorry. When you do join, I hope you are old and graying. Don’t take the statement the wrong way, you will soon understand.
I’m sure you curious to know what club this is. The club I speak of is the, ”dead moms club”. Now you understand why I wish you were old and graying. The older you are the better. The truth is, your age doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t wish the initiation of this club on my worst enemy. I mean this with every single fiber of my being. Like I said before, you don’t ever want to join this club! The sad thing is at some point you will, whether you like it or not.
To those who have experienced this unimaginable loss, I am sorry. I know people say this to you all the time. I hear it often, I dislike it every single time. I am stuck using those two words because well, there currently aren’t words strong enough to express what I mean. I have been part of this club more than half my life.
I understand the reality of forgetting she’s no longer physically here. How ever brief it may be, I understand the feeling. Having the world around crumble down all over again when reality sets in is something that breaks my heart. I understand how every holiday and life event comes with great pain. I can be perfectly content one second and the next I’m drowning. I know the awkward conversations when I have to explain how my mom has passed to people for the first time. I also understand the reality of facing the rest of life without the person who gave life to you.
I lost my mom 14 years ago. Every single time I say this sentence it blows my mind. 14 years ago, the worst day of my life occurred. I was just a kid when this happened, I hadn’t even hit double digits. Yet, I was facing the unimaginable.
Cancer doesn’t care who or when it strikes. It doesn’t care what kind of damage it brings to a person and family. Cancer cares about itself and destroys everything in its path. At the age of 8, I had never heard the “C” word in my life. As a 23-year-old, I now fear this disease more than anything else in the world.
Over this almost two decade journey, one thing is for certain. It will never get easier. A daughter always needs their mom, It doesn’t matter if your 1 or 101. There will be days that are good and days that are so bad. If your lucky the good days out-weigh the bad. During happier times guilt will tear you apart for being happy. It’s an ongoing struggle that you can never conquer. The process of grieving never ends. It never should, It’s the last and purest form of love that remains. The day my mom passed, a piece of me went with her. For as long as I live on this earth, I will have a hole in my heart. No matter how hard it tries to repair itself this hole will never be mended.
It is said, a mothers love never ends. I believe it. My mom fought with everything she had to kick cancers ass. For whatever reason, she had to leave this earth. She was needed somewhere else. This is the hardest part because if you ask me, she was needed right here next to me. Life is weird like this though. She may not physically be here but I know for a fact she isn’t far away.
She lives inside me now, I live this life for her. I want nothing more than to make her proud. Of course, I’ve had moments where I know she’s yelling at me and shaking her head at my not so good decisions. I just hope she is able to see the good person I strive to be. The thing is my mom always let me learn things my own way. She shaped me into the person I am today. Without her love and guidance I wouldn’t be the person I am. To be truthful, I strive to be just like her and make her proud.
This life altering event occuring at such a young age, I see the world differently. I understand how fragile life is. A person only gets so many good years to do what truly makes the soul happy. I won’t settle for doing anything but that, and I know my mom wouldn’t let me settle either.
I think that has a big deal to do with why I travel as much as I do. As a kid I would sit and listen to my moms stories about the traveling adventures she had growing up. Looks like she sparked the travel bug in me. For this, I will never be forever thankful.
If you are part of this club, you probably reading this and thinking about your momma. That’s a good thing! Keep her memory alive! Talk about her as often as you can, if you don’t want to talk, write the memories down. One day you will look back and be happy you did. If you haven’t joined this club yet, call your mom and tell her how much you love her. Spend as much time together as you can! Some of us would give anything just to be in their moms arms just one more time.
A member of the world’s worst club.